Am I Good Enough?
My story begins when I was quite young, when things happened to me that shouldn't have done. I didn’t realise then that mental illness would be with me for such a long time. It wasn't until 2010 when I witnessed something, which wasn't major but it triggered what I've since been told is PTSD. That was nine years ago. The incident I witnessed very rarely comes back to me and doesn't make me upset, and what happened to me when I was younger doesn't really come back to me or make me upset, but I am left with a constant question in my head “am I good enough?". I have really good days when everything appears to be going well and I don’t question myself, but then come the days and weeks of asking myself if I'm good enough. If anything goes wrong I see it as my fault. If I was good enough these things wouldn't go wrong. The pain of this anxiety I feel physically I go over and over conversations and what I could have done better. Medication helps.
On my good days I know that what happened to me has made me accepting, empathetic, caring and calm. I know these are good qualities and I am grateful I have been left with these as I may not have these qualities if my past was different. But I just need to be able to regularly answer my question with yes I am good enough. I exhaust myself trying to do the best thing for others, I tried that when I was younger to stop things happening. It didn’t work, so I know that I should just be accepting, calm, empathetic and caring without exhausting myself. I hope one day the anxiety leaves me. People know I suffer with mental illness but it feels good to be able to explain the reasons why on here. I try to remember that I have been left with a nice nature, it's just a little damaged at the moment but I know one day it will be fixed. xx
Anonymous, United Kingdom